When we ask groups to stay in curiosity and mutual respect — especially in change-heavy, high-identity conversations — our language must model the culture we’re inviting.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
Here’s a concise list of seven things facilitators can avoid to help keep people in curiosity, openness, and good faith — with what to try instead.
1️⃣ Avoid “Why…” questions
Why it disrupts: Even when sincere, “why” often sounds like a demand for justification — triggering defensiveness or self-protection.
Try instead:
“What led you to that idea?”
“How did you come to see it that way?”
“What’s most important to you about that?”
💡 Shifts from interrogation to exploration.
2️⃣ Avoid “Yes, but…”
Why it disrupts: It invalidates what came before; people hear the “but” as “you’re wrong.”
Try instead:
“Yes, and…”
“That’s one way to look at it, and another might be…”
“Building on what you said…”
💡 Keeps momentum and signals addition, not correction.
3️⃣ Avoid “I understand.”
Why it disrupts: It can come across as minimizing or presumptuous — you can’t fully understand another’s perspective.
Try instead:
“That makes sense given what you’ve shared.”
“I can imagine that’s challenging.”
“Can you tell me more about what that’s been like?”
💡 Shows empathy without over-identifying.
4️⃣ Avoid “That’s interesting.” (as a conversation closer)
Why it disrupts: It often lands as a polite dismissal rather than engagement.
Try instead:
“Say more about that.”
“What stands out to you about that?”
“How does that connect with others’ experiences?”
💡 Turns acknowledgement into genuine curiosity.
5️⃣ Avoid jumping to summarize or fix
Why it disrupts: Premature synthesis cuts off exploration and communicates “we’re done here.”
Try instead:
“Before we wrap this point, is there more we should hear?”
“Let’s stay with that idea a little longer — what else might be true?”
“What would it look like if we tested that assumption?”
💡 Keeps inquiry alive and shows you’re still listening.
6️⃣ Avoid paraphrasing with a twist
Why it disrupts: When facilitators restate something in their own words — especially with subtle re-interpretation — participants may feel misrepresented or “corrected.”
Try instead:
“I want to be sure I’m hearing you right — does this capture what you meant?”
“Would you say that a bit differently so we all have it clearly?”
💡 Checks for shared meaning rather than imposing one.
7️⃣ Avoid “Either/Or” framing
Why it disrupts: Binary questions force polarization (“Is it A or B?”) and shut down nuance.
Try instead:
“What range of possibilities do you see?”
“What might be the tradeoffs or tensions we need to balance?”
“How might both be true, in different ways?”
💡 Invites complexity — a hallmark of curiosity.
Underlying principles
De-escalate certainty
Invite nuance
Signal respect
Model flexibility
Keep ownership with the group
Facilitation is not about control — it’s about trust and psychological safety.
The tone we use tells the room,
“It’s safe to think out loud here.”
