The Anatomy of a Difficult Conversation: How Do You Have a Productive One?
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Each difficult conversation includes four dimensions:
“What happened?” – observations without judgement, blame, or evaluation
“How do I feel?”– feelings are an intrinsic part of difficult conversations
“What do I need?” – What needs of mine are not being met?
“What can I ask for?” – What outcome can you strive for with the other person so you both have your needs met (to the degree possible)
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
Steps to Take
Before starting the difficult conversation ask yourself:
What is the purpose in having this conversation?
Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve the purpose? Is this my conversation to have? Is now the right time?
Are you ready to look forward and understand your contribution to the issue? Or do you want to blame and judge the other person?
If ready to understand your contribution invite the other person to a conversation.
Once the conversation begins
Make clear what your purpose is, including desired outcome.
i.e. When you are finished with the conversation what do you want to have accomplished and/or what next step will you be ready to take?
Explain how you want to have the conversation.
In other words, what are the topics you want to discuss and in what order?
Ask them if that will work for them, or if they want to take a different approach.
This invites the other person to participate in how you will have the conversation
Formulating a Purpose: “The purpose of this conversation is talk about [insert topic here, as specifically as possible, and desired outcome]”. Example: The purpose of this conversation is to share some concerns I have about the last two deadlines you missed and agree on how we will work together going forward. |
Listing the Topics and Order "I'm thinking I could start by sharing what I experienced, then you can share what you experienced, then we can try to figure out what is leading us to have different interpretations, see if we can reconcile them, and then figure out what to do in the future if we disagree again. What changes to the approach to the conversation do you suggest?"
Example: First, I would like to share my observations, I would then like to hear your perspective, I think it would be helpful for us to identify if there are other factors we need to consider (people, policies, structures, etc…), and finally I would like us to develop and approach for working together moving forward that works for us both. Will that work for you?
note: The questions at the end are intentional. They do two things; they invite the other person into the conversation and they will help you learn what is going on for them. |
Explore each other’s perspectives and ask questions to learn as you move through each of the conversation sub-topics.
As you proceed:
Try to figure out how your differences developed.
-Share what you observed or experienced.
-Ask what they observed or experienced?
Try to understand the other’s perspective.
-What are you noticing that is similar about your observations and interpretations?
-Does the other person agree?
-What is different?
-Does the other person agree?
-What is new information to each of you during this exchange?
-How does this change how you are both seeing things?
Acknowledge feelings about the issue.
-It is okay to share what you are feeling with each other.
I’m feeling ….
How are you feeling?
Share your intentions with each other.
-Ask the other person what needs to happen by the end of this conversation for them to feel like their needs will be met?
-Share what needs to happen for you by the end of this conversation to feel like your needs will be met.
-Are you both willing to work toward a solution or outcome that meets some or all of both your needs?
-If so... move to Problem Solving
Problem Solving
What are the most important concerns and interests moving forward? (Not what you want – but the interests that underlie what you want).
-I have several interests. Can I share them?
-I'm thinking you may have some too. What are your interests?
Identify standards or criteria for what should happen, if applicable.
-Document, as needed.
Agree on ways to keep communication open
-Develop a clear process (like a Standard Operating Procedure) for bringing up concerns with each other (because this can be challenging).
-To make it easier, it can be helpful to agree on a “key phrase” such as “I have a ‘pink flag’ I would like to talk about. Can we do that?” [I even knew a team that used the word “popcorn"]
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