Why Call Them Out, When You Can Invite Them In?

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

During some recent workshops I have led, scientists from a variety of disciplines have asked me how to “call someone out” effectively. All the comments raised had to do with relationship or team dynamics, and not the science. Here are a few things I heard:

·       “How can you call someone out when they do something wrong?”

·       “Is there a way to call someone out so I don’t make them feel bad?”

·       “I don’t want to negatively impact our relationship.”

·       “You can’t call someone out in a group, you have to do it in private.”

After a bit of exploration with the people making the remarks or asking questions about the reasoning behind needing to approach the other person there were a few themes. They believed someone did something wrong or inappropriate, they wanted to say something to the person to improve or correct the behavior they witnessed, they didn’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable, and they themselves do not want to initiate a conversation that could lead to hard feelings.

Implicit in the phrase “calling someone out” seemed to be that you need to tell the other person something they don’t want to hear, it will be hard to do, and the other person may become defensive, which in turn could lead to an unproductive conflict and tension between people or in a group.

During the workshop I proposed another approach to the participants. Instead of “calling people out” I suggested they “invite them in”.  This led to a few raised eyebrows and quizzical expressions on some faces.

What I meant by this is that they could shift how they were thinking about the situation. Instead of thinking there is a need to “tell” the other person what is on their mind in way that leads to defensiveness, they could “invite the other person to a dialogue” about a concern they have. Think if it an in invitation to exchange thoughts and to ask questions that would lead to greater understanding for both individuals which can more readily lead to an agreed upon path forward.

So, how might you do this? There is a feedback model I learned many years ago called SBIF which provides a solid foundation. I have built on this by introducing some questions. After all, without questions, it is hard to invite the other person into the discussion. There are five steps.

But, before initiating a conversation, make sure you are clear in your head about what is leading you to want to have the conversation with the other person or group. This is important because it is the first step.

Step 1. Explain to the other person what you want to talk about and ask them if they are willing to have a dialogue about it. If so, go to the next step.

Step 2. Describe the situation in as much detail as you can recall and ask them if they recall it the same way. If so, go to the next step. If not, ask more questions about how they saw it and try to understand their point of view.

Step 3. State the impact that the behavior had on you and what led you to want to talk to them about it. Ask them if they have any questions for you or any reactions to what you raised. This might start an exchange of views and questions (dialogue) and the goal is then to learn from the other person and help them learn from you. 

Step 4. Summarize what you believe you learned from them and the other person from you. Ask the other person if they would say anything differently. This might start an exchange of views and questions (dialogue) and the goal is then to learn from the other person and help them learn from you.

Step 5. Propose a path forward that resonates for both of you that resolves your concern and any concerns the other person had. Ask them what they think. If they have other ideas, additions, or modifications, explore them to achieve the best outcome possible, for you, for them, and for the team.

Starting a conversation by stating what your concern is and what is leading you to want to have the conversation can be difficult. With practice you’ll find it gets easier and you are also likely to find that people appreciate your being up front and not beating around the bush.  

This approach takes practice, especially if you have not done something like this before. So, start with something small and easier to discuss. I think you might be surprised at the rich conversations you can have with others when you ‘invite them in”.